There has been this nagging doubt at the back of my head, and it’s high time I wrote about it. But that’s what this blog post will talk about. Before that, I need to clarify that I am going to try and write about this in the most genearalized manner, so let’s hope that it comes out that way, and still makes sense. You might want to skip this post, it’s long, and possibly boring.
Small things. Like this blog. I often wonder, in fact, after I write very single post, the thought runs: Is this really what I wanted to write about? What do I want to portray my blog as? A technological showcase, a rant column, or something personal? Does my blog convey what I am? Does it do justice to me? Does it represent what I want it to? There are definite advantages and approaches for each of the above.
The problem gets compounded because I don’t know what I want it to be. In another perspective, I don’t know what I want me to be. A geek? An emotional empathizer? A self-centered snob? The cute puppy you can snuggle with? The sadest part is that sometimes it turns out that I run from one identity to the other. Which is even worse. Cause then that is not me. It is a manifestation of what I think I want to be at that particular occassion. It’s horrible.
It’s always about the small things. Stuff that you do unnoticed. The way you react to situations. I for one strongly believe that I do things that in some way or the other will benefit me. That benefit might be trivial, in fact, it could simply be entertainment for that moment. But if it’s that, then that thing has worth. This viewpoint brings a very important personality trait, I need purpose. But is it that way always? I can’t answer that. I am not that detached from myself to view myself from a standalone observer perspective.
Sometimes, I do believe that I do things just for the heck of it. But is that really what it is? Or is it that subconsciously there exists some purpose, which in the short term does not appear as clearly?
Moving on, of late, I have been visualizing an idealistic world for some reason. A world which is exactly opposite to this phrase: “Expecting the world to be nice to you because you were good to it, is like being a vegetarian and expecting that a bull will not charge towards you.” There is a deep craving for an idealistic world. I cannot locate a cause for this yearning.
It’s not that my life is insecure, or that I have problems which if not taken care of are going to cause me serious trouble. But then, where does this feeling come from? The other day I was watching this episode of Gilmore Girls, and an unexpected twist landed in, which has the potential (I have not yet seen it actually change into what I think it will) of completely upsetting the ideal world, as it had become in the series. I felt frustrated in the way the writers took the story.
My logic says that there is no real point in an ideal world. But the human emotion in me wants one. Though, I know, the real emotion thrives in an pragmatic, and un-ideal (Gaah, can’t figure a good word) world. But still, there is this one part of me who absolutely does not want to give up on the ideal world concept. Why cannot things be the way they should be?
Now, before I start blabbering incoherently, let’s hunt for a conclusion. Where does this love for the ideal world come from? From whatever limited psychology and sociology I know, it surfaces when one is insecure. Or when one does not know what to do. Kind of like a fear of the unknown. It occurs when we forsee some change in the future, and we do not want it. We resent it. We try to escape to this ideal world, an image of which we create ourselves.
The problem is: I don’t know what it means for me. I, for one, don’t really know why this feeling crops up. I have had bouts of self discovery and realization, but never before have I yearned for an ideal world before. This is really strange. And what’s sad is that, I’ll never quite know what caused this at this stage. It’ll be apparent only when the change, if at all any, has taken place. And then it already it too late.
I guess, I should move on to my preparation for the class test on Relays. Enough useless pondering, if you want to call it that.
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